Tag: fun

Paycheck the short story (book nerd shit)

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I read the short story back in my teens I think. This shit was ten plus years before Ben Affleck was fucking with J-Lo or whatever the hell name she goes by now.

I saw the movie. My review. BUY that shit but it ain’t as good as the story.

Facts.

Anyway, I read it in a collection of Phillip K Dick stories I got from the library.

Holy shit.

That shit was the shit. It dealt with time in a realistic way. Instead of traveling through time what if you could view events before they happened. But I didn’t know any of that shit from the start. The story unlike the movie puts you right at the point of the character waking up from finishing his job for a corporation years later no memory of what he did or what shit he got himself into and twelve items only to his name.

The mystery is uncovered as you and the main character discover what the hell happened and what the hell is going on.

I love that shit. Paycheck is one of the very few classic tales that doesn’t mind fuck you from the jump or slowly slips it in from the back.

The story embedded itself into my memory and mind. I can remember seeing the trailer for the movie on TV and knowing what the fuck it was and being excited as hell to see it on film.

It was good but fuck if only they could have done true to the story and let people figure out the shit on their own.

Warm Regards,

Guardiandogg

An Ode to Lone Star Shit kicking Cowboys

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Okay theirs white people and then theirs lone star shit kicking Cowboys.

I haven’t met natives from the wild west Arizona parts but I fucking heard stories of mother fuckers open carring with a Wyatt Earp gun belt on their hips and cowboy hat at a gangster lean to the right.

Holy shit!

I’m not talking in a Marketing Issue bullshit tone. I’m talking about some real shit my dude. Be proud of who you are and rock your shit. Own your shit.

Lone Star shit Kicking Cowboys are on that real shit. Big trucks, cowboy hats on any given day and shit kicking Cowboy boots to match.

Hot damn!

That’s some real shit. The only fault I would have against them is their all to damn nosy all the time.

Lone Star shit kickers are a friendly bunch and at times a little to nosy for my east city slicker ways. They keep it real warm and nice and all.

They fucking got a heritage out here and history of it’s own.

I like that. I rock with that. I appreciate that real shit my dude.

Warm Regards,

Guardiandogg

Big Dick theories vol. 1 natural and gusto

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It is a proven fact that puerto rican Cassinovas, Black Rambos and Lone Star shit kicking Cowboys have the biggest natural dicks in the world.

Facts.

However, is there another means for ordinary mortal men to obtain big dick protential?

Yes. I believe there is. Gusto.

Gusto is not magic or a myth as some small dick assholes would have you believe. Big dick gusto is a natural evolution of getting shit done and taking the world on by the balls.

I’m being very serious. Please stop laughing.

Gusto is all natural no need for expensive surgery and hocker’s spells.

It comes from a formula of 20% confidence, 30% dominance and 50% shit kicking attitude.

The research study is still on going so I will get back to you with further studies.

Warm Regards,

Guardiandogg

I fucking love puerto ricans…(comedy)

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Listen..life has it’s strange twists and turns. Sometimes you end up in places you never thought about or dreamed of going to.

I ended up in Texas because I was a pussy at the time and my mother was driving the car. But, the only excuse I give is I was writing a book at the time and I didn’t give a fuck all to much.

Anyway, I found my way into Texas. The long Star state that I kid you not is the place where the punk ass bitch gets kicked out of you from the jump.

Let me ramble a bit. I’m getting to my point. I land a fucking job out of nowhere and I get to start working around a multicultural setting of almost every tribe of humans known to men. Top two tribes being puerto ricans and shit kicking, long star cowboys.

I have a special place in my heart for lone star shit kickers but puerto ricans my dude.

Holy shit!

I kid you not I got two puerto rican spirit brothers of mean I love dearly. The rest are all Cassinova big dick mother fuckers. The females are feminine by default and pretty across the board.

The most friendly, hard working and charming people. Damn. I wish I can say the same for my skin folk around here but my skin folk cousins are pretty much the same all over. Different levels of bullshit you have to work through.

Hey, I keep it grade A real. We ain’t perfect but we are genuine.

Puerto ricans my dude. They bring the charm and spirit of a warm presense and friendly good will. They get shit done, clock out and get in their car blast their la la bum ba music and go home and take care of their families.

I fucking love them. Family and work ethic. What the fuck else is there?

Fuck it I love their music to. They own that shit. They own who they are. They talk in their language and always are what they are and holy shit do they love to party.

That’s some real shit. I haven’t met one puerto rican once that tried to mask themselves to be something they are not. I fucking love that. Maybe I’m seeing things from culture shock glasses. Maybe there are some fake puerto rican mother fuckers out there…

Fuck that noise. That’s propaganda horse shit my guy.

Puerto ricans are on that real shit. Come at me bro tell me I’m lying.

Warm Regards

Guardiandogg

Chris Brown is the 21st century Fred Astaire holy shit!

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You know I thought saving this one for tomorrow but ya’aw been hitting me up with likes like crazy family so

I thought fuck it. Let’s have fun.

Well. You might be asking me. Who the fuck is Fried Astaire?

My dude. Dancer, singer, actor, show performing and profiling. The man from a age in American history when men got shit done in a suit and tie and woman walked around the house like they were modeling for a magazine.

Holy shit!

Michael Jackson was Michael Jackson the King of pop but Chris Brown is the dancer, singer, musician, actor and show stopper. The full monty mother fuckers. The full show in one body.

Google search the shit. But, my old heads will know the dude. Maybe in passing maybe from a memory of seeing one of your grandpa’s old movies.

Yes, I told I was an old fuck.

Holy shit. The idea hit me like a bat to the head and for ten seconds I had a fucking good laugh.

Yes, tattoos in all. Rough and dominant ways and all. Chris mother fucking Brown is the modern man that dances on walls and floats on the air of his own brand of Charisma and seduces bitches with a smile.

Holy Shit.

Doubt me all you want but if the legend was alive and young today. Both men would be setting entertainment world on a blaze and the panties would be falling like rain.

Damn. Maybe I have gone crazy. Fuck it this is funny to me at least. Have a lovely night.

Warm Regards

Guardiandogg

Conflict and trial!? I vap that shit and it tastes like bubblegum cotton candy

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I grew up raised by a single mother. Enough said. I was a pussy for most of my life until shit got real and life decided to put me on front street and give me the shit test finally.

I stood in front of a hospital bed where my mother was dying of some shit I didn’t  understand. Fuck I still don’t understand to this day. One year ago she was healthy one year later I got to make plans for her fucking burial having to decide how much money I could spend and whether I could honor my ancestor’s wishes.

I couldn’t and the dishonor follows me like a demon today.

I learned a lesson that she couldn’t teach me in those months in my PSD hours when my own failures haunted me every waking hour. Life has it’s Joy’s and life has it’s series of shit tests.

I swam in pools of despair for months and then one mother fucking old G’s words in stilled in me the words to what I was learning.

“Life is conflict. Conflict is the air we breath and the water we swim in.

Get used to it. Embrace it and live for it because the ride doesn’t end.” – VD

That mother fucker spoke some real shit. He had been through some real shit. My spirit brother lite a fire in my ass.

It took a while to fully compute. Even now I’m still growing into the mindset.

My friends I ain’t telling you this shit to cry for me. You been through the shit test too. It’s what we do. Fuck despair and her bitch twin sister depression. Bitches didn’t do shit for me but try to suck me dry and stop me from planning my mother’s funeral and keeping me at a stand still when I had to move.

Fuck um. Fuck um both with a Iron rod no lube. I back hand those bitches now a days and put them in their fucking place under my boot and kissing my fucking toes.

I’m here to delight your day and make you life lighter at my silly ass. I find joy in that. Mere words can bless and provide warmth on a cold season in life and laughter for the soul sweet.

Warm Regards

Guardiandogg

Holy shit crept keeper Joe is on a roll

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Holy shit!

Holy mother-fucking shit!

The fucking ride doesn’t end. I don’t know about you my friend but we are living in exciting times. No other country on this god forsaken planet can dream and hope and pray for a fucking crept keeper corpse to be the next president and be surprised when

Shit starts hitting the fan when we get what we asked for. Hey, I didn’t vote for the corpse and chief but fuck it. I’m in this shit with my fellow dumbass.

Mother fuckers are surprised they didn’t get the high prized hocker and cocain they were promised now that Big-T is out playing golf and sitting on a bed of money wondering what mother fucker will he sue first for liable.

Holy shit! That sound your hearing is me shitting myself with laughter. Please sweet Jesus let the fucker live for two more years. I need some joy in my life.

I’m sitting in a financial depression and surrounded by a confederacy of dunces that can’t see it.

[Ten points to my book nerd family if you guessed the reference correctly.]

Holy shit!

No.

Hot damn! What a time to be alive.

We live in a time of historical events. A time of testing and a time we few, we proud and inheritors of the rebel blood of independent soldiers get the shit test.

In other words, get some balls and strap in and ride this mother fucker until the wheels come off.

[A hundred points to my comedy family if you get the last line.]

Warm Regards

Guardiandogg

An Ode to the Mac a true King (comedy)

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Alright. I don’t hate anybody BUT one mother-fucking dude rides the mother-fucking line for me.

Jack mother-fucking Dorsey. We’ll get to my mother-fucking opinion about the shithole that is twitter later.

Jack mother-fucking Dorsey. This Mother-fucker is a straight up gangster bitch my dude.

Whatever your feelings about big-T I don’t give a damn you’ve probably already expressed yourself so let me express my mother-fucking self.

Fucking mother-fucking pussy grabbing legend. Your fucking grandchildren will be at your fucking knees asking you if he really grabbed a shorty’s pussy and the mother-fucking shit will still be funny.

Anyway, back to Jack mother-fucking  Dorsey. This Mother-fucker can shut down a President’s voice to the mother fucking people and keep the normies from ever finding out that your mother-fucking government is fucking your mother-fucking unborn child’s future nice and tender.

Add on to that mother-fucking shit. This mother-fucker got mother-fucking kiddo porn shit on the back end along with legitimate adult porn star profiles and ugly nudist on his mother-fucking shit pool site.

This is the mother-fucking shit pool Jack mother-fucking Dorsey swims in and your mother-fucking teenagers will probably never see.

Newsflash: YouTube and Twitter are two old fucks one breath away from one last shit. What teenager will be on these two shits in the next ten years. I could be mother-fucking wrong. Yet the shit smell from Twitter’s adult doper is smelling.

Still Jack mother-fucking Dorsey will get away with his mother-fucking shit. The one mother-fucking joy I get is Jack mother-fucking Dorsey will see his shit business model die one day when Cocain Pimp Democrats and the stable of GOP hoes will get tired of the shit one day and say fuck it and nuke his fucking business in a day.

Now…if your wondering who the mother-fucking Mac Daddy King of comedy is your to short for this ride. I ain’t explaining shit to you. All you old heads give me a mother-fucking like and get your glasses up for the OG king of Comedy. The wordsmith and harold of comic gold to this day undefeated.

Warm Regards,

Guardiandogg

Okay let’s face it YouTube is an old fuck dying on the shitter. (Comedy)

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Hold on!

Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m an old fuck myself but YouTube holy holy

Holy fucking shit is that bitch looking like an old whore on her last dick to sit on.

First of all. The mother fucking commercials, my dude. You will say well you could get YouTube Red my dude. No commercials.

Ah my dude. I watch my favorite channels on Bitchute and every other place on the internet. No commercials.  No bullshit boner pill commercials or adds asking me if I know about squarespace.

Fucking bullshit. That’s the problem. I can’t watch a video without the “content creator” telling me about an algorithm or YouTube pulling down channels that don’t kiss the pimp ring of Pimp Cocain Mac Daddy DNC.

The fucking bullshit ride never ends. Shilling is the past time of the modern day YouTube propaganda entertainment machine. My information and attention is the cash I pay with.

I don’t give a damn. Mother fucker entertain me at least. I thought this was the agreement between YouTube and me.

Fucking hell. Propaganda used to be about hiding the shit by being entertaining enough.

Yes. Yes. I am ranting. Hold my beer a second.

Damn it to hell and back. YouTube is old on it’s death legs my dude. It’s a damn fucking shame. I used to rock with it hard but now fuck me running I’m getting fucking bored of the site.

[Cobra Kai not with standing. Great show I don’t give two shits about and I watched every Karate Kid movie. I earned my nerd points.]

Let me summarize this shit.

1) commercials

2) Shilling on videos

3) dumbass suck at propaganda.

4) I’m older then YouTube and even have moments when I want to take the old girl out to the back of the barn and put her down with a shot gun.

Pause.

Does any of this sound like the ridiculous ramblings of an old ass fuck. Well it’s intentional. I’m just fucking with you.

Come on my dude. Come on my guy. I knew you weren’t fooled but I damn sure got some dumbass half way through this post angry about my  “hate posting” about YouTube. Get the fuck out of here.

Hot damn! I’m good. Give me a like if you found this shit funny. I fucking did.

Warm Regards,

Guardiandogg

fahrenheit 451 scared the shit out of me as a kid (book nerd shit)

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Back in the late 90s early 2000s (yeah I know I’m old as fuck) and the hey day of the internet when that asshole finally started walking and shitting himself

I was a young writer still learning the craft from the classics I borrowed from the library. I was mostly a snack reader at the time. Nibbling on mysteries and Urban raw dog fiction.

I was still on my quest to read the top 100 list of great books. I had finished five books on the list and nibbled on ten. I finally made the mistake of reading fahrenheit 451.

I knew fuck all about the story, movies and prophetic quality of the story. It was on the list so I went for it.

I was I think seventeen at the time on my first reading. I got to the half way point of the book and sent that shit back to the library and spent the next three years thinking on that shit and looking at my Television as a secret enemy out to fuck me over.

I’m being deadass [when in the fucking hell did people stop adding serious to dead-ass serious. This shit is news to me. Now I know I’m an old fuck] with you. I put that shit down and thought on it for a couple of years. That shit fucked with me.

Never in my life had anybody told me or hinted at the purpose of entertainment could go beyond making people happy. Television = mind fucking you into submission.

I eventually got back to the book and finished it. It was weird shit though. I remembered the fucking page I stopped on and everything previous to that moment.

Fast foreward today. That book was tame. Ray Bradbury was correct on the shit but didn’t see the internet coming. Internet × Television = mind fucked squared.

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Holy mind fucking shit.

Yeah. I have no idea where I was going with this post. I just wanted to share a moment in life when a book fucked me out of the matrix or simulation we’re all in.

Fucking hell. God bless you for reading this far into the rabbit hole of my silly shit.

Warm Regards,

Guardiandogg

An Ode to Door Dash

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I can craft a meal in the kitchen. I can cook chicken and wild rice that have the panties down in two seconds. But, why go through that bullshit my friend when DoorDash is a true friend indeed.

In the morning, I order some IHOP double decker pancakes from my bed. No pants required. No fucks given.

It arrives at my door my deliever has my shit and says a friendly”Good morning, Sir.” And “enjoy your meal.”

Hot damn!

I don’t get that much respect from half my bosses at work that give me the evil eye because my mask isn’t covering my whole fucking face. Motherfuckers trying to push me to the breaking point. They might find my foot breaking in their collective asses.

But,

I been there done that. I got the bullet wound and middle finger up to that bitch fate.

Pause!

Doordash. Morning, noon and night. My steady friend. My one true reliable source of comfort. Civil unrest is at my door. Crept keeper Joe is on the war path try to please the demons’ whispering in his head. Trouble is the phantom with two 45s. in the room.

Doordash. Oh sweet Doordash. If a warm meal wasn’t enough you also provide Krispy cream dounuts two dozen and more at my desired request.

Hot damn. Bitterness of life and sweetness of sugar induced delight. My god what a country. Hot damn! What a time to be alive.

Warm Regards,

Guardiandogg