I’ve mastered the art of brainstorming. I love process of it and the freedom of just taking images/ideas and smashing them together to suddenly make something I have never heard about or read anywhere before. It’s like a dice roll on a street corner for a couple of dollars. Some times you roll snake eyes some times you hit big with a 5 and 2.
That’s my type of gambling. I love the options and thrill of what could be the outcome and rush of a big big money creative explosion of ideas. Down side is once the creative explosion begins. Well it usual takes me months to crack out something good and then there is the rewrite.
November’s kiss or nanowrimo is a challenge I’m hoping to win big on this year. Though I’ve got back log ideas I’m picking on to see if they go I don’t know. I want to shoot for 50k words in a month this year. I don’t know though. I already have several projects I’m working I don’t know if I should shoot for it this time or just….
You know what fuck it. 50K. I’m going to do the thing this year. I might even have live stream events for it to screen record it. I got to try and I got ideas about what I want to write about….
50k in a month. My best as been about 20-30k in a month at best. Fuck it let’s do the thing. I’ll lump it into my other projects and make it do what it do.
Strange times we’re headed into again I’m reminded of the 2021. The clock goes back in my head. A time I actively chose to live each day like I’m here. I’m alive and I’m here for the smoke, the conflict and the comedy.
Life. The good, The bad and The in between moments we’re all embarrassed that five year old child called us on our bullshit. Life is worth living. Even in those moments life appears to have not a damn meaning at all. Life is worth living to achieve what you value the most to do. What value the most to put your heart into.
Why?!
Because I said so.
I believe so.
Because that’s the secret. We all keep going on this road because the sets of beliefs and philosophy handed down to us and the gems we find along the way that keeps moving. Anybody that says otherwise is can go fuck him, her and itself back to the shit hole they came out of. I don’t want to hear it. I fight against anything that drags me down and away from the belief I hold while I’m living on this spinning mud ball of a crazy, beautiful world.
Okay my first introduction to McCarthy was Suttree. I was handed the physical book by a coworker at work. I read a bit of it and then got the audiobook and explored it a bit. I found it odd and like a movie in my mind or sentence that kept running on and on. Not bad but I had to speed it up because I was getting a bit bored with the story.
The same coworker gave me a different title that is the current book, Blood Meridian that I am reading and partly studying. I have never read anything like McCarthy. He had very loose with grammar and strange. It reminds me of a landscape painting of the wild west or mid west scenes of American Wild landscapes.
I have seen movies about his stories but his written form is strange. I feel a connection with his free style flow and none commitment formality. I’m studying the style. He had a nice poetry pose and western drawl. Hmm. It’s wild.
There is a lot of heavy poetic voice in his writing. It almost brings to my mind a picture of him sitting at his writing desk for hours on end just typing away a bit at a time with dictionary on one end of the desk and bottle of jack Daniels on the other end of the table.
He paints a very vivid dark down and dirty realistic picture of that time period of the western American experience and time in history before the west was fully won and it was born a kin to time of gun smoke and back alley business deals.
I used to live my life on autopilot looking for chances for someone to give me a chance to get to be who I wanted to be. To get where I wanted to go. The day I started living was the day I started putting the responsibility on myself to actively play to win.
LIFE IS A GAME
I was late to this thought process in my life in the second stage but I wasn’t late to the concept of gaming. I’ve been a gamer all my life. The game of life has end goal and set timer for when your part in it will be over. I’ve never been afraid of dying or the afterlife.
PURPOSE
That’s what I care about. I’ve always cared about.
“Un intentional life isn’t a life at all” – unknown.
I don’t know who said it. It’s the thought or idea of living without a sense of intention was the thought or feeling that I was afraid. Not living to be engaged in what I am doing while I’m awake.
I have to have a goal. We all have to have a direction for the course we’re on in life. It’s what makes life’s moments mean something. Purpose and intention.
I reflect on this from time to time. I remind myself with books, videos and art, philosophy to remind myself. I need… to
FOCUS ON THE WIN
I’m not trying to do a lot. I’m trying to focus on my attention on the win and reasons for why I do what I do. That’s the mindset I have. I WANT TO WIN AND I’M GOING TO WIN.
No matter what trials or difficulties I have in life. I am going to rise up to the top and win. I have coasted through my life in the past but one thing was always the same. Whether they be challenges or challengers to my own process nothing has ever stopped me from doing what I got a focus or determination to do and I encourage anyone around with the same message….
Don’t quit. PLAY TO WIN.
I leave you with this video below. It is a favorite moment in a great Chinese epic drama. One man against the forces of nature and a QUEEN BITCH OF THE EAST that want to see him fail and die against a challenge for his life.
Holy fucking shit. Some fucker paid this asshole to say he needed to put out a damn book about how sad we peasent folk should feel that he is a fucking Prince of Mother fucking country.
It’s a real problem. I was a weird kid growing up dreaming of being an old fuck reading a whole bunch of books and listening to music in the background….
I am half way there. I just have to find the means to break away days for it. It’s hard in these digital era days. But, it’s a weird as fuck dream I have that won’t go away.
“Are you done getting a confession?” Officer Rafe asked behind me breaking me out of vision I tried to capture of the alien in my head.
I got to my feet helpping Miss Waters to her feet and turned to face the officers. “Take Miss Waters to holding. We have a code 50b immigration issue.” I said.
The Judge looked swiftly at Miss Waters as she closed up her jacket and tried to cover herself and then back at me. “I’ll call in Sargent Drake on the swat team to head over to pick her-“
“She won’t be there or at her apartment. She’ll already be on the run.” I said as Ice showed me the park gateway the runner was headed to. “Tell Drake and the swat to head down to the place you interviewed her. I’ll meeting them there to help with the hunt.” I said.
“How the hell would you know that?” The Judge asked in annoyance.
I stared at him. “I am Authority. I have eyes everywhere.”
“Mr. Page. What will happened to me?” Miss Waters asked.
I didn’t have time for this shit. I smiled at her. “I will handle your case we’ll go through the proper channels and I will get you a proper resolution.” I said guiding her to the officers who hearded her away. The Judge stayed behind.
I reached inside my pocket for my detapad and sent a group message to Drake and King Gino Fish. “Do you have a location on her brother?” I asked The Judge as I texted Drake a short reply to what we had to deal with.
Level 5 Alien shit bag playing god on the run. Meet me at 6th Golden Road. Purple district. – Dallas
The Judge grimanced but nodded. “Yeah. He’s at the station waiting for us to bring her down with her corporate authority defense team. The boys at the station will keep him busy at the station. We should head to the nearest border she’ll be making a run for it.”
I shook my head. “There’s more then one border. She won’t be taking the usual route. I know of one in purple district.” I said and looked at my detapad as I got reply from Drake.
The hunt is on – Drake
City is on lockdown. Find and delete alien shitbag. – GinoFish
“What the hell happened to her.” The Judge asked me as he followed me out of the condo outside.
The alarms were going off to indicate the city was going into lockdown.
I turned to him.
“Miss Waters deleted Brent as he attempted to violate her under the orders of your fucking witness. Her mutation broke out and drove her insane afterward and the foreigner used the moment to craft a good bullshit story. We’ve already lost enough time. Let’s move.” I said rounding my crusier and jumping inside. Ice the Elder Dragon was in the passenger seat. I started the engine and took off down the road.
“I thought I told you I didn’t want any part in your alien political issues.”
I felt Ice’s sardonic smile. “I am Authority. I have eyes everywhere. I like that line Jr. It’s not my doing that this pretend God invaded this realm. You have to accept what you are and the lessor beings you will attract to challenge your Authority.”
“I live my own life old man. I only started getting into this shit after I finished my internship under you.”
Ice shrugged unconcerned with my words. “You took on the job Jr. You’ll have to deal with the consequences sense you became Authority.”
I am an artist to my core. Always have been always will be. Creating and crafting art gives me life. It adds joy and energy to me. But this isn’t the legacy entirely I want to leave behind.
I don’t fear death. I never have. I have my beliefs about it and an after life but in all honesty I really didn’t fear death even before I came to my own beliefs about it. I didn’t fully understand why that is until I started reading philosophy and really examining the weirdness of why I don’t fear dying.
Death isn’t something to fear at all. It’s like fearing the sun rising and setting and the end of this universe whinning down to nothing.
I fear. No. I HATE wasting time. I hate having to figure out to late I wasted a day on some bullshit I could have not done and I could have spent a day finishing writing a book, playing on my keyboard or shooting the shit with my brother or doing another shift at my day job.
I hate wasting time. I have a purpose. I know who I am and I know where I have been and I know my death is scheduled in my Callander in the mid to late century so I want to leave something behind before I go the way of my ancestors. Yes. I am an old fuck.
I like maps. I like knowing where I am going and having a reference point to go by to get where I need to be. That’s what I want my legacy to be. I want to be a map maker. A guy that gives advice, encouragement and wisdom to people that are where I was in life or help them avoid the traps I had to dig my way out of. I’m not about bring more bullshit into this fucking world.
I’m NOT an altruistic guy either. (Altruism is some bullshit too but I’ll save that for another post) I just know what it’s like having to figure my way out of shit and nobody giving a damn to teach me or knowing how to tell me where the fucking traps where ahead in life. Some people will take my advice or encouragement. Some people can tell me to go fuck myself. I’m cool either way.
I found the source of the strange twisting of elements in the condo in the living room. She was sitting on the floor with a blaster in her hands pointed to her own chin.
She was naked but for a brown trench coat a pair of boots and glowed with green glow that flickered on her body. She had a glassed eyes dead stare that was haunting if I didn’t hear her breathing I would think she was dead. Her hair kept switching between a jade tint to a normal brunette color. She was a new mutant in a state of shock because of her new physical state. The change had broke out on her suddenly fractured her mental level ground. She was still adjusting or trying to figure out what reality she was in.
“What are you?” She asked in a voice barely above whisper or soft husky hiss tone.
“Miss Waters. I’m Authority Dallas Page. You asked for my judgment in your case. Please, tell me your side of what happened.” I said.
She looked at me with earth shaking eyes. “What are you?” She asked again.
“I’m an archetype of Ice the Elder Dragon to Cyberpunk and the three elemental aliens. Like you are of Earth. I’m here to help you. Tell me what happened.” I carefully. I wanted to get this case going and not have to deal with the lady let alone touch her. Already I had revealed to much of myself. I couldn’t risk alienating myself more in the authorities sector or dealing with what I really was.
She smiled. It was sexy ass fuck grin. Her direct stare saw into my soul and the hidden places I didn’t dare too go. She saw the hidden secrets I haven’t even discovered. A Deadly combination. Still I could see she wasn’t entirely in control of herself. Someone else or something else was speaking through her. Her element maybe or the Earth Dragon personality. “Your not like me at all. Are you one of them? What are you?” She said commanding me now to obey her.
This wasn’t going where I wanted it to go. Already I could feel that otherside of me coming to the surface. “I am Authority. I am not here to answer your questions.. Tell me your story or I will decide your judgement here and now.” I said losing a grip on my other self.
Miss Waters blinked and stared at me with normal eyes. She dropping the weapon. I reached out my hand freezing it in a dome of ice. She stared at me as I walked over and I sat down in a chair near her.
“So…how did you end up with that blaster in your hands? Was it before or after you came into maturity.” I asked her.
Miss Waters shook her head. “I’m not a mutant elemental. It was something else. I didn’t kill Bruce.”
I held up a hand. “So..tell me what happened in a calm voice. I’m listening.”
My world building started out with this muck up design of a world of mist and colorful character center piece one off stories. I didn’t intend from the jump to craft the world or knew entirely where I was going all I had was the characters and a need to just figure out where hell everything was.
I was learning as I was going forming the world by the prospectives of the charecters. The method remains so and carries on with one new addition into 2.0….
My characters old and new interactions with one another is demystifying the world. The lingo and the verbal exchanges are telling of the world they in habit. Now. It’s time to add a little noir into the mix.
Why? Well in general Noir is a element of cyberpunk fiction I have not dived into really adding to the flavor of my world only in parts. It will be a challenge and my pose will have to come up poetic and descriptive elegance but I enjoy the thought of the challenge and besides all that…it’s time to upgrade. Degradation is a modern art form I’m on a diet of currently.
All I have is the road ahead of me. The road behind is only an echo of a time that used to be the present.
I know a dirt nap is at the end of it so I know between now and then I better make the most of my life. In the very least I should play the game properly.
Yeah. Today I find myself introspective about choices that I make and the habits I want to create and old habits I want to take up again.
Old habit is creating more music and art. New habit is to slowly but surely become a weekly investor.
I don’t fear death. I never have.. I am afraid of wasting time doing things that have no meaning to me or add nothing positive to me or anyone else. There’s more then enough bullshit in life I see no point and have no desire to comsume more then my fair share or produce anything more to add to the shit hill.
Still. I find myself wasting time. A thing I hate the most. A thing I fear the most. So…I have but one way to go. I am at a point of no return. I have to push onward.
I’ll put some headphones on my head close my eyes to distractions and just keep walking listening to some self imposed affirmations….
I am an investor….in financial growth and a investor in my own art and self worth…..
