Good days, bad days and days I wish I could keep going and not hit a wall.

I keep hitting a wall. In work. On occasion when my energy is good. My mind is positive and my thinking is not burdened with shadows of the past I can work on for hours.

Off days. I can find the will and mindset to push pass it and work for another shift and a few hours more in counting. It isn’t easy but I can do if I try hard and if I have a will to do so.

Today wasn’t those days.

It always feels like an excuse. I wish it was an excuse. I could be lazy and not feel like some invisible vampire has sucked my energy and positive vibes out of my body.

Sure my back hurts but I could push pass it. I listened to “Leave the door Open” on my phone going to work and sung the words to myself during work. It helped me through though I didn’t realize it at the time until by the end of work I was coasting and I was forgetting the words to the song.

I feel like a snail racing to a goal. I want to go faster to making more money and doing more but then I can’t.

Damn. Tomorrow’s coming. I’m hopeful.

Warm Regards


Update on energy levels..I’m feeling good and thinking positive thoughts.

I woke up feeling not good at all with the thoughts…Lord Jesus get me through this day.

I had to limber up a lot today but I was doing good. Got some writing in and felt good. I watched a few videos and read blog posts did some writing and still good. It was content that made me think and write.

Side note. It might be because tomorrow is my day off but that’s not always the case. I did have a nice breakfast and I got some sun. I have taken to smiling more and being more positive about liking my job not just getting through. It’s not hard. The people are great and I respect a lot of people there. I like the work culture to. I like the work.

By the end of my first shift I was feeling good. No great. I realized today was going to be a good day. I realized my body was feeling good and I could move fast and the depression bullshit moments aren’t capturing my focus.

I did another shift and still I feel good. I know it’s weird still to me. I’m taking notice though. But, my best days of energy and well-being are few and far times in between in a week.

Warm Regards


P. S. Again my depression isn’t a major part of my life because I don’t want it to be. Just something I deal with better over time.

I spent my day off playing and obessing over a puzzle game.

I bought a game from and spent the day of my second day off obessing over a damn puzzle game.

It was a nice distraction some what because my mind was actively wondering how to solve a timed puzzle game with a hidden timer and thinking about different positions at work. The game is one of those games that is a hair puller but silly enough to keep me interested. But, it was a more healthier way of keeping off my darker moments at bay. My energy levels have been good though.

The weekend or my days off have been a balancing act of relaxation and hoping a low activity day when the bitch depression fucking with me won’t throw off my next work week.

This whole bullshit with Covid and everything else made me realize I really need to and I could monitor my energy levels. It’s weird. Some dudes count calories or gains in the gym. I’m trying to moniter energy levels between off days and good days and what triggers low energy days.

Warm Regards


Vitamin D my Elusive target…reflections from a vegetarian.

I’m thinking on going back to eating meat. It’s been some time like 10 plus years.

Reasons being depression being a factor I’m reading about associated with being a vegetarian. Not to mention my elusive target.

Vitamin D and his brother D3. My two buddies that are always good for a good time and focused work day. Fuckers are elusive to my waking days occasionally. They are busy men all over the world but love to take trips to Florida and Hawaiian islands.

I never really thought about the reason I feel the most…happy or feel good on a sunny day is the Vitamin D dump of energy. To much shit going on to distract my focus.

But, I’m thinking of it now. I want to be more focused and have less blue days. So as of now. I’m going to be recording my thoughts and taking notice.

Currently feeling 50% okay in energy and focused. Got some reading done and not feeling blue inspite of rainy day right now.

The research on solutions begins. Why the sudden change of opinion?

What if eating meat again could manage my energy and depression levels better.

One thing is a constant though drinking orange juice combined with four hours snacks and Sunny days do wonders for my moods. Still though not enough sunny days or ready snacks. The hunt for solutions continues….meant solutions are up as options.

Warm Regards


Never give up the fight…

I feel inspired by a post from VD on the subject hope or the ability to always keep on playing for a possibilities to happen.

Two and half years of dealing with death, loss, depression and Covid 19 making people insane has taught me some things.

Hope. I lived every single day in 2020 with a series of regrets and daymares as I worked my job and tried to not cry and lose my mind to despair.

I had learned in my childhood that pain wouldn’t go away from the loss of my Dad but if I added on time the pain got lighter and I could carry it better.

I lived 2020 with that mindset. I treatee months like days. My consent mindset was I just got add on more days. I’ll get through this shit. I just got to push through.

I lived for the hope that the nightmares and daymares would ease with time. I just had to hope for a day…a day like today even when I think about the shit and not feel the bitch depression trying to fuck with mind and drive me mad.

The day came and went. I still have days when the bitch whispers to me but again, I put some time in and the sting of her attacks just to leave breathless any longer.

Hope. The ability to keep playing when it seems like a losing game. The ability to keep on fighting when it seems like your one missed step from being knocked out. The ability to keep on moving for a possibility that your opponent will make a mistake. The ability to not give up until it really is over. Hope. It’s not foolish to hope because to be hopeless is to be a victim for somebody handle like a toliet or a conversative back bottom hoe.

Warm Regards


Depression is a talkative bitch but she doesn’t have shit to say when I talk back to her.

A word of advice first. Talk to somebody. A friend you trust or brother or sister who listen with out casting doubt to your thoughts or the truth for how you feel.

Now. My form of depression is maybe tame to others I wouldn’t know I just know it as a consistent talkative bitch that will not leave me alone about my failures, regrets and the feeling loss and hopeless I have in myself.

Oh no. I try to ignore her but the bitch demands a listening and my attention until…

I talk back. I follow the way. So any time depression is talking to me. There is usually some bullshit talking points. She is always talking about me not doing enough for my mother or being loser for half my life and all that bullshit. The shit about my mother does get to me but the truth is the truth.

My Depression will not shut the fuck up until I address her directly in the speech you my faithful readers are aware of….

I’m working today and the bitch starts talking. I’m not in the mood today so I talk back.

“Fuck you. Where the fuck where you when I had to make decisions about my mother before and after her death. You didn’t have a word of help or support but I got it done without your input.

Fuck you. I did the best I could. I failed. My strength was lost but I did the best I could.

Fuck you. Who the fuck are you to judge me. Who the fuck are you to cast doubt on my intentions. I hoped for the best. I prayed for the best but I was prepared for the worst and that shit didn’t kill me it made me more tough and dependable.

I don’t owe you a damn thing. So go fuck yourself and the shade you throw at me for trying my best and giving it my all until I did not have anything left to give.

Silence follows. I can’t hear depression’s poison tongue whispering to me. She can’t take me telling the blunt truth to her. It’s the only thing that silences her bitching.

Warm Regards


Song of the day…In your eyes by Peter Gabriel

I’m a romantic bullshit fan. There you go…well an 80s romantic bullshit fan.

I’m in a bit a low energy and lower mood right now but this song I don’t know. I don’t even think of Say Anything when I hear this music.

I think of the beach. I think of times when things again were less complicated and the moments when I was with the people that mattered the most to me and in their eyes that were filled with joy or laughter in that moment I was happy.

My childhood. My twenties. Best times I went days just living and no cares or expectations about tomorrow I only wanted to write and be with my family.

The song feels like walking on the beach enjoying a laugh with a friend. Just moments. Moments were breathing was easy and sunny days were endless.

Warm Regards


Clear day, no worries..

I don’t know what it is but clear sunny or cloudy days like today put me in a better mood. This morning was rainy gave me a shity feeling for the day but then mid way to the afternoon it cleared.

Sunny with clouds of white and grey. Problems and the bullshit aren’t holding my attention even with a chill in the air.

Moments. I like just moments like this when everything might not be alright but I’m fine where I am and being who I am. I’m looking up to cloudy sky with gaps of blue and something about it puts me in a serene state of mind. I don’t understand it.

Sometimes it’s the weather. Sometimes it’s chocolates or a good cup of coffee. I can never bottle the moment and grab it when I’m feeling low. The moments just come randomly.

Warm, Regards